A Boast Fulfilled. The Goddess Revisited
To understand the background to this blog you need to have read my last blog (Ten Years of Knowing I'm a Pagan), at the end of which I said, after ten years I was determined that I was going to return to the natural Earth Mother temple I discovered as part of my spiritual journey in Wensleydale on the day I discovered I was a pagan.Anyway, for various reasons I hadn't been back there for the previous ten years, and although I implied I would return within the week, the weather or work meant that I failed to do so in August. This played heavily on my mind throughout the month, as I was disappointed with myself for not going, knowing I really wanted to honour the tenth anniversary of my 'conversion' (even though with hindsight I now know I always was a pagan), but also to face up to my fears that I would be disappointed that it wasn't the same sort of experience. Then at the August Bank Holiday camp at Sentry Circle, a group of us held a 'sumbel', a ritual drinking ceremony at which toasts are made to the Gods/Goddesses, spirits of the land, and the ancestors, both ancient and recent. As part of this you can, if you want, make a 'boast', which is a binding promise to do some future action. I boasted that I WOULD return to the Goddess temple within the next month.
I was NOW oath bound to do this!
So this week I did it! Only a month later than originally intended, and well within the month I had given myself to do it at the sumbel. I also chose my day wisely, as I wasn't sure how well I would cope with the steep climb ten years (and one month!) on from when I did it last, but it was towards the end of the event/camping season, so I was relatively fitter than at the beginning. I also I wanted good weather too, as I didn't fancy climbing the grassy slopes in the wet (even though it had been so at the time of my first ascent). I was very lucky with the weather; with a window of fine, warm, dry conditions, during a less settled week; as you will see from all the photographs, it was glorious!
Everything was great, as I walked down hill from my car looking for the start of the path I was to follow. All sunny and warm, with hardly any wind. I was starting to regret adding an extra layer in my bagpipe bag. A just in case layer. Oh! And I forgot, I was also bringing my non-Highland bagpipes with me too. Well 2 1/2 sets of bagpipes, and a couple of recorders.
As soon as I found the right path, and started my new pilgrimage, I was welcomed by the Goddess in her falcon (Kestrel) form.
If you look carefully, in these two photos, you will see her circling just ahead of me, leading me on, along my spiritual path.
As you will know from the last blog, it was as the Kestrel she revealed herself to me ten years previously at this place, and I have been very 'aware' of her presence whenever I see her in this form ever since.
Unlike the sun and showers of my last visit, as I said, the weather was glorious, and I could see for miles.
There was one of the collection of cairns I saw last time.
And the path led on.
I didn't seem to see so much of the fairy mine entrances of last time? I don't know why they weren't so obvious? Maybe as a result of the long hot summer?
But there was the square feature in the grass field I saw last time.
Eventually, like the last time, I reached the end of the track, and again, technically, I had the same choice of the longer safer course directly ahead of me, or the steep and potentially dangerous climb to the left.
Of course, unlike last time, there was no rainbow ahead of me as a sign that I should take the safer route, for me to then reject it for the more dangerous, less well trodden path.
This time the steeper path was what I was here for; and so I began the long, slow, ascent of a fat middle aged man on a mission. And it was far from easy, but not too difficult, as I used various features in the grass and rocks as steps; zig-zagging slightly to make it easier, and with a few rests on the way. But all the time I was very aware that a misjudged step could lead to a long bumpy slide down the hill at best, or MUCH worse, at worse. The hillside was dry, and I have a lot of common sense, and I was carrying an outsmartsmephone this time. But there are times in your life that you have to push yourself, physically, and mentally, to really live life! You have to challenge yourself, and set major targets to get yourself out of ruts, and advance to higher levels, and of course, this is what the boast had made me do.
Eventually I got to the top of the first, steepest, climb, and reached the glacial terrace I had rested on last time. Yes! Time for a rest, and enjoy the view. Oh! And by this time, I was regretting not bringing some water with me, as I had meant to have done. But then again, I kept telling myself, deprivation is part of the spiritual journey of a pilgrimage.
After a rest, I started looking around and planning the next part of the trek. The Mother temple was somewhere there at the top of the next slope.
I had actually ascended the first slope at a slightly earlier point than the last time, so walked further east to see the remains of the sheiling hut I had seen last time. But looking up I could see the closed rock door in the cliff face in the crag above (not obvious in the photograph). Again it reminded me of the sealed entrance to the 'Mines of Moria'. LOL!
But the temple was not that far up, and was in the lower rough line of cliffs and grass at the top of the next slope. But where?
After a while and some thinking, I thought I knew where it was most likely to be, as it was hidden from this angle, but I guessed that it was up by the white rock you can see shinning in the middle of this picture. In fact, I can now see three rocks forming a line showing me the way to go. I took the white rock as a way marker for me at the time, and it turned out to truly be so!
I was spot on! As I reached the top of the second slope I arrived directly at the temple! I was so pleased.
It was now time to enter the temple.
As I had feared, it didn't seem as big as it 'felt' in my memories, and the forecourt and thighs that had reminded me of a Neolithic passage grave weren't as obvious; and without the shrouding low cloud that surrounded me by this point last time, that had made everything seem more intimate. This time everything was much more open, but very friendly.
Yes! Ever since I was greeted by her kestrel at the beginning of my walk, I knew that I was very welcome here, a returning friend, as well as a worshipper.
Last time, I had been very unsure about entering 'her'. Symbolically entering the vagina of the Mother Earth. Not sure about committing sacrilege? Whether this was a sexual act? Or a return to the womb? But this time I felt she was happy for me to enter her, and I felt comfortable, but very aware too within her. And boldly I went all the way to the back of the gryke without hesitation, just watching out for my footing and head.
Unlike last time when the waters had appeared to flow from her, due to the long hot summer, she had seemed much drier from the outside; but I found a pool of water within, and stooped and took a couple of sips, more licks, of fluid. Strangely, despite the sexual innuendo, I did not have any sexual feelings at the time. It was an act of worship and respect within a temple to nature.
Then it was time to return to the outside, in an act of symbolic rebirth.
Until I was out back in the forecourt in front of her, with the whole World before me.
It was then time for me to 'perform' the second part of my promise to myself, that I had wanted to do for the last ten years; and that was to play my wooden Medieval bagpipes in her. To me, playing my pipes in special places in the landscape, like burial mounds, henges and stone circles, or historic buildings like churches, cathedrals and castles, is, well, special! When the pipes are playing well the drone is an important part of it, as close to meditation and ritual as I can normally get. Sadly the pipes weren't playing well, and I wasn't making 'beautiful music' within her. Not bad music, but not good. So I tried playing my plastic Scottish Lowland pipes I had with me too, but they weren't very good either. I think it was because I was now very aware that I was drawing attention to myself, via the sound, and even though I hadn't seen another person on my trek, and I was at least a mile from where any were likely to be, I was worried someone would just appear out of curiosity. So I put away the pipes and went back to basics by digging out one of my recorders. I was able to play a few tunes within her, but not only was it less 'ritualistic', but my fingering was rather fumbled (some more innuendo I know), as for the last ten years I have hardly played the recorder, and the fingering is slightly different than the pipes.
I found this part of my time at the temple disappointing, as I had built up big expectations, and then I had let myself down through my own worries about trying to get the right musical resonances and my shyness about potential audiences. But of course no one had appeared.
However! When I came out I found I had had an audience. An audience of curious sheep had gathered outside, drawn by the strange sounds coming from their watering hole! LOL!
The return journey to the car was more of a boring slog in many ways. I slowly worked my way up to the very top of the hill, after walking along another glacial terrace for a while. All I wanted to do now was get back to the car, which seemed a lot further away than I thought it was. And I was also very aware that this may be the last time I visit this particular place, as if I wait another ten years I will be 68 and it may well be very unwise to attempt a similar climb, even if I am still able to do it. But there are plenty of other places I can worship the Goddess at, and I was also planning an easier way to get back to this temple in the future that would be much safer, if less spectacular.
And it was less of a spiritual walk in many ways too. It was contemplative rather than meditative. Contemplative, because I had had ten years of regularly attending pagan events, and spiritual activities in the landscape (including helping to build the stone circle at Sentry Circle). Spiritually I am much more aware of myself, and much more comfortable with myself, and my now fairly important place within the pagan community. That sounds like self aggrandisement, but entirely unsought, I have found myself as a community elder, to a great extent, conducting handfastings and naming ceremonies, etc., and also with the important role of answering questions from pagan curious general public members, or those new to paganism; and a very important role providing support to the vulnerable within the community. And I did not seek any of this. People just asked me to do these things, or have been drawn to me. But I am also very lucky to have found a strong community of good and accepting friends, who, like myself, try not to judge people, but accept them for who they are, as they are.
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