So How Old am I?

So How Old am I?

About this time 60 years ago, my Father had a twinkle in his eye, along with a perky move in his trousers, and as a result I was conceived. Yes! It might be hard for some of you that know me in the real World, but I was conceived about this time 60 years ago.  :O I find it quite shocking.

But it brought to my mind, not for the first time, of just how old am I? And this applies to all of us, of course.

So, using conventional dating, I wont be 60 until next June. And I wont go into the dangerous area of whether you are considered a living individual at various times between conception and birth. I am thinking about my DNA age. So how old am I?

Well half of my creation came from DNA material, sperm, from my Father that was only a few hours or days old. So that makes half of me now 60. But the other half, my Mother's egg. What about that? Well Mum was born with the egg that would eventually become half of me. So that means that half of me is over 90! (Mum will be 90 in conventional terms next month). But of course her Mum was born with the egg that would become my Mum, so does that mean that half of me is actually 110? 

But of course my Mum's Mum's Mum, was born with the egg that would become my Mum's Mum. And my Mum's Mum's Mum's Mum, was ........

So the way I look at it, half of me is now 60, and the other half of me goes back all the millions, no billions of generations and millions, if not billions of years, back to the first lifeform that produced and egg that survived long enough for at least one of its offspring to survive long enough to produce an egg, that survived long enough to .....

Life is quite mind boggling really?

DNA Genealogy. Some Notes on the Reasons for Uploading your Raw Data to Multiple Sites.

DNA Genealogy. Some Notes on the Reasons for Uploading your Raw Data to Multiple Sites.

I know I have been blogging a lot lately, and this is very different from the other recent blogs, but I have returned to one of my other main themes of Genetic Genealogy and what you can do with your Autosomal DNA test results. This blog results mostly from having to spend hours writing out a lot of the reason for uploading copies of your raw data to multiple sites, and GEDmatch in particular, to a couple of new keen matches I have had recently, and I thought if I turn it into a blog I shouldn't have to keep re-writing it! So this is fairly current and up to date at the time of posting, but how long that will be for I don't know. I will probably keep it in the conversational style at the moment, but may have to change it, but remember the context was messaging a DNA match on AncestryDNA.

I'm afraid I wont be covering all the basics of terminology here, as, otherwise, I wont get onto the meat of the topic.


I mentioned GEDmatch.com to you early on, and will start pestering you about it soon, as I have someone else that I have recently had a lot of contact with that has uploaded to GEDmatch and it helped clarify some questions and assumptions we had about how we and some of our shared matches were related to us. 'GEDmatch Genesis', as it is currently, in it's new form, but will be changing back to simply 'GEDmatch' soon, is free for much of it's use, and is a serious research site. However, there are some higher advanced tools that cost $10 for a months access. I tend to pay for this about 3 or 4 times a year, especially when important/close matches have come into my life.

So! You, like me, tested through AncestryDNA, as I got my Mother and Aunt to do also. I tested my brother via LivingDNA because they have the most detailed information on the British Isles, county by county, more or less. You may have seen the articles a couple of years ago about research undertaken by Oxford University on the British DNA that reflected the Dark Age kingdoms, well that data was used to create LivingDNA. They have a DNA map reflecting where your ancestry comes from over various, mostly ancient, periods, but also within about the last 300 years, which is what is mostly of interest to us. 

(This is a little out of date now. https://stevethegreenman.blogspot.com/2017/09/finding-your-own-personal-ancestors.html). 

In the 4 years I have been dealing with my DNA genealogy I have seen most of the companies 'Ethnicity' results change from what was in reality a reflection of your very distant ancestry, as in more than 1500 years ago, which most people can't relate to or want, or are confused by, to certainly seeing AncestryDNA showing more about your more recent family history, based upon where your matches come from (via their public trees?). So now LivingDNA and AncestryDNA give similar geographical results. In fact all the companies are at war with each other, with all trying to find a quirk or trick that the others aren't doing, and over the months they all introduce their version of it.

Oh! And LivingDNA also gives you your basic Y group (not applicable to you as a woman of course) and basic mt group (which applies to men and women). Some sites give you information on your X chromosome, but not on AncestryDNA (even though the X data is there in your test results), as it can be a bit confusing for some to get their heads round.

Each testing company has its pluses and minuses and databases which will have a combination of matches not available on other sites, and a few people like me that have their data on multiple sites. 

This could be making you think something like "But I can't afford to pay for a test on all the different sites?" and "I have other family members I want to test too, now that I have some idea of what I am doing, and realise the importance of having other close family members that you can use to confirm or rule out lines of research, but I can't afford to test them all on all the different sites?", etc. Well you don't have to, and you can get the equivalent of testing through them often for free or very little.

Whoever you test through, the resultant raw data belongs to you. You hold the rights to it, and you have given permission to the company you tested through to use it according to your agreement. You can also download a copy of that raw data as a zip file (whatever you do don't open it, you will regret it, as it is HUGE!), and then upload it to various other sites. The testing company will whinge and whine about not doing it, and you will have to rightly go through some security hoops, but there are lots of things you can do with your raw data on other sites.

Ignoring some of the heath related sites you can upload your data to, these are some of the genealogy related ones, but basically you can upload most other test results to most other sites, except you can't upload anyone else's data to AncestryDNA, and as they have the biggest database some people that have tested via other sites (especially where in the past AncestryDNA wasn't available), some people later test via them too.

Although sometimes it depends on how old your test data is, as companies have used different 'chipsets' or something (no I don't know what this is either, it is computer stuff) to test data, over a period of time, not all data maybe fully compatible with all companies, all of the time, but generally, most companies will change their software with time to allow cross-company compatibility. Basically, I have noticed that with time, the different companies have learn't that they don't need to test all the areas of all your chromosomes, or not at such a high quality level to get the results needed. By reducing the quality and/or amount of data that needs to be tested, they can speed up processing (along with software/hardware improvements), and therefore make testing cheaper! All part of the huge commercial war going on to get us to test.

So! You can upload your data to;- 

Family Tree DNA (FTDNA) for free, although it costs a small one-off payment to get full access to the results. Not the best of sites, rather dated now, but a lot of people tested via them in the past before AncestryDNA was available, so you will find a lot of Australian and New Zealand matches on there. FTDNA is still the main testing site for Y and mt tests, but to be honest they are of very limited use in genetic genealogy.

MYHeritage is relatively new, only a couple of years, and is proving to be a very vigorous alternative to Ancestry, and certainly has a lot of good DNA tools. It was initially free to upload your data too, as they built up their database, but now there is a small fee (perhaps still free for initial upload, as is/was overall use of the site?), but it is worth getting some membership. MH have been concentrating on pushing their services in countries not directly covered by AncestryDNA; so you will get a lot of European matches, for example.

There is a site called DNAland, but it has never really gone anywhere.

You can upload your raw data file to LivingDNA for free, as they are desperate to build up a good database, but the information is rather limited if you didn't test through them, as things like the Y & mt part isn't tested in all the other companies (AncestryDNA did/does test Y for males, but the information is not detailed and not directly available, and I have lost the link to the site you could check it on).

23 & me doesn't seem to allow uploading of data to their site, and seems to be mainly a health related site.

You can upload the raw data from just about all the companies (including 23 & Me), for free, to GEDmatch! It is a very dry site for serious research by those wanting in depth information on how you are genetically related to your matches. There are various useful free tools and some more advanced tools for a small monthly fee.


So why upload to other companies? After all you are flooded and overwhelmed by all the matches you have on AncestryDNA. Well there are a number of reasons. Remembering that any matches you HAVE are just down to the random chance that a relative, close or distant, has tested, and anyone of them may prove to be an important link in your research, and/or help confirm/refute information in your tree. The fact that person may have tested via another company means that if you can compare your results in as many different databases as possible increases your chance of finding them. For example, I was able to start tracking down my Mother's previously unknown paternal family with more certainty early on via someone who had tested on FTDNA, but it was because she was top of my list (at the time) on GEDmatch that I noticed her. And because people on GEDmatch tend to be more serious and curious about how they are related to others, she quickly answered my message, and she had already noticed me!

Also, one of the main things you can do on all the sites EXCEPT AncestryDNA is look in detail at the segment(s) you share with your matches on chromosomes 1 to 22, AND the 23rd chromosome, chromosome X (which can give some specific information I wont go into here). The shared matches facility you have on Ancestry is mostly restricted to 4-6th cousins and closer (mostly due to the sheer quantity of matches), although sometimes if you are looking at a 5-8th you will see shared 4-6ths. But also AncestryDNA, again partly to reduce the sheer quantity of matches (and to reduce the chances of false matches), have different matching thresholds than some other sites with smaller databases. As I said, this is partly to reduce the number of matches by pure chance (Identical By State, IBS), and reduce the chance of legal litigation, I'm sure, but there are plenty of Ancestry users that you DO have a genuine match to (Identical By Descent, IBD) too that are not showing. If someone has also uploaded to one of the other sites too you may find you have a paper tree link to them on AncestryDNA, but not a DNA match there.

If you can examine your matches in detail (whether they show on AncestryDNA or not), and you find that there are a number of matches that share the same segment with you (at least three), the segment is called a triangulated segment, and more or less HAS to be a genuine match, and will relate to a specific Most Recent Common Ancestor (MRCA), or group of ancestors with a common ancestor.

GEDmatch is the easiest place to get this sort of data derived from all the main testing companies, where people have uploaded to it; although the full triangulation service is only available from the advanced paid for tools. But for $10 for a months access to them, you do as much data processing as you can in that month.

This create masses more data, which takes a lot of work to organise, but it is possible, and then you can start to see how groups relate to each other.

Now for a long time I have been building up a master spreadsheet based upon my triangulated and/or significant matches on GEDmatch (as well as many other spreadsheets based on the other specific companies, and I try to add cross reference details from each where I can, especially GEDmatch derived grouping information, etc.). 

It has been an ongoing process for years, and there is just so much data to try and keep on top of, but it recently became much easier, due to Rootsfinder.com having many DNA tools that can do much of this work in minutes, and display it in ways I had long dreamed of wanting to do. And it is constantly improving. It is free for initial access but it is a small annual fee to get full access, but VERY well worth it. 

(This is also a little out of date now. https://stevethegreenman.blogspot.com/2018/10/organising-my-dna-matches-trying-out.html).

The most important thing you can do is tie your DNA matches into your family tree (via a GEDCOM upload). So you can match known people directly to their DNA information, or to the known common ancestor, or assign a DNA match to a known route, such as your maternal or paternal side, or to a more specific line, like that you know the link has to be via your paternal grandmother, etc. And it is all colour coded to fan charts to help visualise things. It works best and easiest with triangulated matches from GEDmatch, but you can upload a lot of stuff from other companies too (even if it is somewhat long winded to do them, but that isn't Rootsfinder's fault). The interactive graphic displays of how matches relate to each other can be confusing at first, but once you start learning to filter some of the noise out, etc. they are great and useful fun. And there is a wonderful Facebook group too where you can directly affect the development of the program features.

Because of some issues I have found with my tree that I want to sort out first, I have not been doing so much on Rootsfinder recently, but intend to start over again with a major overall of my tree GEDCOM with less errors in it. But I intend to be busy on Rootsfinder very soon (famous last words!).

That's enough again for the moment.

More Bluebells and the Original(?) Great North Road.

Moor Bluebells and the Original(?) Great North Road.

I don't know what! I don't blog for ages, and then you get two similarly themed ones within about a week!

Today the weather was glorious. One of those glorious Spring days when you simply need to be out and about in it, if you can. Also I wanted to get out into some more bluebell woods while they were at their best, and I knew exactly where the best place to see their best around here is; Brussleton Woods.

So this time I parked up on the Bishop Auckland by-pass near West Auckland, and set off on this path across the floodplain and water meadows of the River Gaunless, heading for the woods on the hill.

I had never really explored this area below the woods before, and it was lovely, and quite good for nature too, with areas of pasture, water meadow and a few ponds. Quite a lot of birds about, including a pair of nesting Lapwings (or they may have been Common Plovers, or Peewits? (Yes! I know all three are the same bird! LOL!)). And the day was dominated by lots of Orange-tip Butterflies, some fighting each other over to us unseen territorial boundaries; as well as a few other butterflies.

I had purposely gone today (a Monday) as I thought there would be less people about, but on this section there were 4 other people and two dogs! Like Piccadilly Circus for a walk in North-East England. But after this I saw no one else for ages.

After crossing this level ground, my way started rising up the side of a reasonable hill, to the point where I was about to enter the woods and looked back across Bishop Auckland.

You probably can't see it, but if you follow the hedge line left of centre (where the first photos were taken), to the by-pass, which is in front of the mostly white buildings, I could make out my pretty blue car!

And to the right of me here were the woods.

You can't see the blue haze under the tree canopy in this picture, but it is there.

So I happily entered into the semi-shade of what is an area of wood-pasture, where in the past the trees would of been managed as pollards, with cattle and deer grazing the undergrowth below. Now it seems to be only grazed by deer (I did see one Roe Deer), which seem to be doing a good job of it.

It's funny how the masses of bluebells just don't seem to be so obvious in the pictures?

I paused here and whipped it out!

My Recorder that is, and played for a while. First of all the 'English Nightingale', which I am re-learning, but will never be able to play the full version as good as this;-

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZvDb5EmhfZI&list=RDZvDb5EmhfZI&start_radio=1

It is the pièce de résistance of recorder music and some of the variations are virtually impossible!

I then played my amalgam of Jacob van Eyck's version of 'Daphne' and the version in the 'English Dancing Master'. Again, no where as near as good as this; -

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mlQdeHKfGU&t=110s

And then similarly 'Upon a Summers Day'.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-JI12DePJVo

I then made my way eastwards through the blue beauty of the bluebells and the green loveliness of the sprouting leafy greenery of the trees.

Spot the Peacock butterfly! LOL!

Bluebells as far as the eye could see. Even as a Summer Solstice baby, this is my favourite time of year. And my favourite place to be, for as long as I can remember, is to be in a bluebell wood. And this really is one of the best!

Here's an old hazel coppice stool. Long after most of the old trees in the North-East were cleared for pit props, there remained a demand for hazel whithies for making baskets to haul and transport the coal from the pits (although there were also horse-drawn wooden wagon-ways in this area too from the 17thC). There also seems to have been a demand for hazel whithies even after their use was no longer needed in the pits. Maybe just for the shopping baskets of all the collier's wives?

And more bluebells.

Surely that must be enough pictures of bluebells? 

Nah! There is never an excuse for not having more pictures of bluebells, especially when I saw more and more as I progressed; sometimes along clear paths like this.

And then the path would disappear and I would have to tread through the bluebells, and across small hollows full of old dead leaves, so deep that it was like walking on a mattress.

And then I could see that others too had had to walk on the bluebells, they were just so thick on the ground; perhaps hiding any path?

And finally, one last picture of bluebells.

I then reached and turned left onto 'Deer Street' the old main Roman road from the south to the northern end of Roman Britain.

As you can see, now, here, after nearly 2,000 years of use, it has become a sunken lane, abounding with a rich diversity of old trees and woodland plants.

And are these some stones from the base layer of the Roman road still in situ?

This got me musing;

"Where Romans trod, 
In hob-nails shod.
Now warblers praise,
Of past glory days....."

You'll be glad to know I had trouble taking this any further, as all I was getting was things like "And Chiff-Chaffs chaffed!" LOL!

But there are some really gorgeous trees on this section.

Which is interesting, when you remember that this was the original 'Great North Road', assuming that there wasn't an earlier route through here? And, of course, certainly during Medieval and more recent times, there had been a number of routes, some heading from town to town, and others avoiding the towns. This section of road obviously has never been 'modernised' and may not have been used for much more than pack-horses and foot traffic for centuries? But the richness of the flora just goes to show how Brussleton Woods may have been like this in the past. Even richer than it is now!

Slightly sadly, I then left the woods and still on the line of 'Deer Street, continued northwards, on a much more maintained section that is the access to a farm.

But it was still rather glorious!

It was at this point it struck me that I hadn't been singing suitable songs while traversing the woods.  But as I was still fully on my own, I started to strike up some of these songs, as best as I could remember.

There was Thomas Morley's 'It was a Lover and his Lass'.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tQ3XbrnLRM0

And his 'Mistress Mine'.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2c8Ki55Cag

I have always had a fondness of singing this in spring woods, because of the line 

"In these woods are none but birds,
They can speak but silent words,
They are pretty harmless things,
They will shade us with their wings."

And more sadly, 'O Mistress Mine'. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQVq6BjUho0

And finally, a much more cheerful song from Thomas Campian's 'I care not for these Ladies'.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=myM9BCd3lVQ

This version has a bit of the sauciness with which I think it should be sung.

The last of my journey was just a short, and pleasant slog back in the real World to return to my car; but it was a wonderful and beauty filled day. :) 

Frolicking Naked in the Woods? Not Bloody Likely!

Frolicking Naked in the Woods? Not Bloody Likely!

So now is the month of Maying, when a young man's (and an Old one's) fancy turns to what he thinks about all year round!

Photo by me

I have recently returned from a weekend celebrating Beltane, the traditional May Day celebrations, at a pagan camp at Thornborough Henges, near Ripon in North Yorkshire. Well technically we were celebrating the weekend immediately after May Day this year; the bank holiday weekend (before a pendant start up. Always get your pedantry in first, is a lesson I learn't years ago!).

The fantasy, and I think it has always been a fantasy, even in antiquity, is that pagans frolic naked in the woods the night before May Day, shagging anything that didn't move fast enough. But the reality is (and probably always has been) much, much tamer. Except for the spectacular show put on mostly by students in Edinburgh (which is very much a piece of performance art), most pagans do very little (publicly, anyway). The pagan camps I have been attending for 10 years now, whether on the Eve, Day or the bank holiday weekend, have mostly consisted of groups of us huddling frozen round a bonfire or fire-pit, desperately trying to get some warmth, while necking quantities of alcohol with friends new and old. Maybe there is a bit of singing, dancing and drumming, or some story-telling, but most of the time we are just drinking and chatting and trying to keep warm. So no naked frolicking!

Over the weekend, there may be various ceremonies or rituals undertaken, that are mostly just doing more of the same drinking and drumming, but with more seriousness to our frivolity! And these are actually important, as they are part of our community renewing its bonds, and the creation of new deeper social bindings of trust and friendship, and a safe place where emotions can be shown, as we get out of our system some of our upsets, or remember our ancestors; the recently parted and and the ancients. Actually, the fact that we can do this in and around an ancient monument (the Thornborough Henge complex) is a real treat, and is very special to many of us; and there are more active celebrations in the central henge during the daytime, but I am generally tied to my craft stall through the day.  But definitely no naked frolicking!

Actually this year I spent 24 hours mostly trying to prevent my gazebo and tent from being blown away in a freezing northerly gale; not that this is uncommon at our Thornborough celebrations (last years warm weather was an exception). And by the time evening comes I am generally too tired to do much other than sit and drink round a fire with friends, before spending a cold night trying to sleep in my tent. 

But for me, one of the most important things for me to try and do, is a trip up to the Wooded Northern Henge of the complex, to undertake one of the closest ritual activities I do. I don't always manage to do this every Beltane camp, or at the Mabon camp in the autumn either, but I will always try to, and sometimes more than once, depending upon how I feel and what friends I may drop into conversation about it or not, and whether they want to go with me or not. And what do I go up there to do? To frolic naked in the woods? No, I go up there to play my Medieval bagpipes, while I stand in the middle of the henge, surrounded by the trees and the bluebells.

Photo by Ralph Turner, as are the rest.

This year I nearly didn't make it, as I was very tired after all the wind and cold on the Saturday, and a busy day of trading on my stall through Sunday. But towards the end of the afternoon, two friends, who were strangers to each other (Ralph & Claire), and I found ourselves just, ...  well we just found ourselves walking up to the woods together, with hardly a thought as to why we were (and despite the fact that Ralph had not long returned from a visit there), we just did! In a sort of magical happening.

On the way there we chatted about the wildflowers and wildlife and nature, and about the history of the woods, etc. And there was another group close behind us, who got ahead of us, when we stopped as I talked to a friend in one of several groups returning from the woods. It is a busy day for the Wooded Henge.  But here was another strange thing. When we got there, and entered the woods, we didn't see anyone else after a few minutes. We had it all to ourselves from as far as I could see.

We progressed to the centre of the henge.

And there I assembled my bagpipes, and played a little, but I haven't been practising enough to play for long, before I run out of puff. So I placed them down on the ground.

But this year I had also brought my favourite recorder; an instrument I had been playing badly for many years before I started playing the bagpipes.

I have been making serious efforts to try and practice both instruments at the same time, as the recorder doesn't need as much puff, but different breathing and fingering techniques to remember. And generally I have been practising by myself with the beautiful acoustics in Brancepeth Castle hall, but have also been trying to build up my self confidence at playing with other people present. So as I played I tried to think of myself being on my own in the castle hall. And confidence brings better, less hesitant and/or fumbled playing; especially when hitting the high notes. And overall things went well.

And now here is one of the other 'special' ('magical'?) parts of this simple spiritual ritual.

Generally, I have either gone up by myself to the Wooded Henge, to do my 'thing'; 'communing' with nature by myself, or a friend or a few have gone up with me as a group, and I am happy with that, as they have some idea of what to expect. But if I go up by myself and there are already people there, I will generally wait until they have left before I play, if I play at all; as I don't feel comfortable forcing my 'thing' onto those not expecting it, who may be doing their 'thing' with their friends. And if I go up on my own, and people appear while I am playing, even if they are friends, I am not comfortable; especially as rather than me doing my spiritual thing it always ends up with me having to do a tutorial on the bagpipes.

But this time seemed to be extra special. Ralph, I think, had been up with me before (all the camps start merging into one after a while), but at least had heard my bagpiping before. But I don't even know if Claire knew I would be piping as part of our shared spiritual journey to the woods. We all just went, and I just brought my instruments without really saying much. Yes! I'm sure I must have said something about piping in the woods being part of the visit to them! However it all seems a dream now.

And now it all seems even more dream like, as I played reasonably well and confidently, due to being with friends I felt comfortable with in a sacred place that we seemed to have to ourselves. An island of spiritual peace and harmony. The beauty of true friendship, without any thoughts of anything but the here-and-now at the time. 

True peace. True harmony. True spirit.

An interesting Compliment?

An Interesting Compliment?

I've been meaning to do this for a few days, and finally got round to it.

Recently a close friend of mine gave me a very nice compliment (and not for the first time now that I think about it), about my writing, about how much she enjoyed it. I think she was referring to some of my more spiritual journey stuff, rather than my other general witterings (like this LOL!).  Of course, I was just pleased to know that anyone could be bothered to read them in the first place.

However, there is a good reason why I found this compliment particularly interesting. You see that I doubt that most of my teachers at school, or even my lecturers at horticulture college in my early adulthood, would ever of thought someone would say anything like that about my writing.

And why is that? I hear you all say. I hear you ALL say? Well, at least some of you thinking it! Well it is because as a child back in the 60s I was in what 'we', as in the ones in it, called the 'Dunces Class'. I then, not at all surprisingly, failed my 11+, so was designated to be one of the 'workers' rather than 'thinkers' or 'leaders', and was put back into a normal class; but languished near the bottom, due to my lack of English and Maths skills.  I left school with only Grade 3 C.S.E. or equivalent), Maths and English, and only got on an OND Horticulture course due to my O'Levels in Biology, History, Geography and Geology; subjects which I did quite well in because I was VERY interested in them, and I am sure that if I had had better English skills I would have excelled in them! (The Geology was an unusual one, done for the 1st time at our school, and at the time, even with my bad English I could probably have done an A-Level in it! Spot the dinosaur mad little boy! And I could of done just as well in History and Biology if it had been more about the things I was really into; like the English and American Civil Wars, or Birds and Butterflies!).

Now! One of the main things that held me back was my terrible handwriting, although teachers and lecturers, when they mentioned it, at least said that they could read it. Well they could read it when I put a big effort into trying to make it readable, but that took me a hell a lot of effort and concentration, and meant that I couldn't get everything I wanted to say down quickly, if at all. Of course, any of you that know me wont be surprised that I had trouble writing down EVERYTHING I wanted to say, as you will say that I never shut up! But that is because my mind is FULL of multi-dimensional, multi-subject thoughts, ALL at once! I often have cross subject thoughts that most with more linear minds find hard to follow, and converting my thoughts into a more linear format is one of the hardest things for me to do. (I am sure that a lot of you are already ahead of me in guessing what all this is leading to, but it is because I have to put it into a linear format that I HAVE to behave myself and suppress my omnipotence for you mere mortals! LOL!).

The other area of communication that caused me frustration was my artwork. I loved and still love it! Just creating. But at the time I would get so frustrated because I physically couldn't make what I wanted to express.  I wanted to do photo perfect fine art, but just couldn't do it. I would start off with doing too much micro-detail, but as my concentration tired, and my frustration grew, things would become sloppier and less detailed, and seldom finished.

It's not that I didn't try to improve myself by trying to improve my handwriting (I have always been better at self-education than classes). I would try to follow Calligraphy tutorials using dip pens and ink but again would eventually get frustrated and fail.

Strangely, I quite enjoyed doing pen and ink drawings, with ink washes, and it is something I really SHOULD explore again?

I also found that I did quite well when I did more free-flowing, less formal work; using powder paints in particular to make things like cresting waves and sea foam. In fact I still have one seascape I did that my art teacher really liked, and it is another thing that I have been meaning to go back to, but am now rather scared of failing at.  Perhaps it is time I did some art courses again that would make me do it? But now I am getting ahead of myself from the linear path I am supposed to try to stick to.

Actually, when thinking back, I am aware that there have been a few teachers and lecturers that have had a soft spot for me, perhaps seeing more in me than I knew, and/or maybe just feeling sorry for me? I certainly think the later for one of my Maths teachers, as that has never really improved! LOL! But that school art teacher was very good to spot something I WAS good at and to encourage me to follow that work. One of the pieces I did under his encouragement was a huge, I mean HUGE icescape that took up a whole wall in the 'school flat' (skills demonstration room of some kind) for a couple of years. It had been intended to be a larger version of the seascape I still have, in powder paint, but I was sloppy and impatient when applying the white emulsion under coat which resulted in loads of big dribbles. Both my teacher and I had the same idea when we saw it. They looked like giant icicles! So what I did was empathise them with coloured pencil, with a sunset theme viewed from within an ice cave and an ice-bound sailing ship in the middle. An early example of recognising serendipity, something I allow myself to recognise in my work these days but back then I probably wouldn't of know what serendipity meant.

But I digress. Not unusually for me!

So one of the big changes for me was when I went to university as a mature student in my late 20s. As I had suggested I had been declared at 11 as being too thick for university, and had only got into college because of the O'levels in English related subjects, and then into university because of my college qualification, but I never did any A-levels, which I am quite glad I didn't actually, as they do seem to be hard work! (How did you get into Durham? Many of my friends said that went to university at normal age, and me not knowing that it wasn't easy getting into Durham. Well at 18 via the conventional route that might be the case, but as a mature student, and particularly if a local student (which I wasn't), at that time it was relatively easy, as part of trying to get away from the 'Town and Gown' image problem the university had).  I still had my handwriting problems, but soon got my 1st pc, which had only just got cheap enough for me to do so. It was very new technology for most of us then. I still had to do my exams by hand, and much else, but the pc released me from my bad handwriting, and at last I was able to start developing my English skills.  The first part of this was the wonders of a spell checker (there weren't grammar checkers at that time). I discovered some of the simple words that I didn't know I was miss-spelling. How was I supposed to know that sujest actually had 2 gs and not a j? And there were new words to me too, due to not having had the same level of English as many of my co-students. New words like jonrah? What's a jonrah? Oh! It's spelt genre. But what is it? I was quite pleased to find that I was not the only one who didn't know! In fact I could appear to be more confident than the normal age students, as most of us mature students had a bit more life experience, and I wouldn't be shy about asking what something was, because I decided that if I didn't know there was a good chance others wouldn't either, but they were too shy to ask. What was actually one of the loveliest parts of doing the degree was seeing those shy 18 year old 1st years gradually gain confidence. So whereas in the 1st year us mature students tended to ask all the questions, gradually we took more of a back seat role as the younger students gradually started to ask the questions.

The next big stage in improving my English skills was while doing my PhD. By this stage there WERE grammar checkers, which I might not necessarily agree with, but it would make me think about whether I needed to improve the sentence/paragraph. And then came along those programs that looked at your work to highlight sentences that weren't necessary, or suggestions (note not sujestions!) as to sentences you could remove when trying to reduce the word count. Throw away asides like this. Notice how I learn't the difference between programme and program, in English English, as opposes to program and program in American English! LOL! But of course, I always tend to be too verbose with too many throw away asides. And Thesauruses too, but while writing my thesis the order of the the use of paragraph opening words (therefore, however, etc.) did become a bit formulaic as I checked the Thesaurus desperately trying to find something different; and now with these blogs, I really try to make an effort to not be too formulaic!

As part of and as a result of my PhD, I did get some articles published, but I doubt you would call them very enjoyable to read, as they were supposed to be archaeological reports, not exciting novels.

After I had finished my PhD. AFTER I had finished my PhD! I was at my Mum's looking through some old school reports from the time I had been in 'Dunces Class'. "Oh! It was Word-blindness." she tells me. What! WHAT! If I had known that 10 years earlier I could of had extra time in exams and AND more importantly free computers! 

So in my 40s I discovered it was dyslexia that I suffered from (no surprise to many of you that have been bothered to read this far). And, apparently, according to some of my friends I have Aspergers too, but in both cases, because I didn't know that I actually had a 'something', only that I struggled at some things, I had learn't ways to cope with my problems, as I had also had to do with my 'social' issues.  However, I think this was an advantage to me. In the long term! (I'm not really a short term type of guy). As I had to put the effort in to learn by trial and error and not just accept that I had a 'something' to use as an excuse not improving myself.

And, believe it or not (those that know me), I am a lot better person than I used to be, much better at communicating, and more importantly (believe it or not) listening to people; and that is the hardest thing for me to do with so much multi-dimensional stuff going on it my mind. I do try to put a thinking pause before saying things (believe it or not!), and desperately try to let procrastinators finish their rambling sentences before interrupting them (believe it or not!). Even though they are so so SO annoying with their intonation sounding like they have finished speaking at the end of every phrase! LOL!

Although there are two other factors I still haven't really mentioned that have had a major effect on my communication skills; my art and my community.

I wont go into how I became the Green Man Potter, and now Jewellery maker here, as they are standalone blogs in their own right, but after decades of most people not wanting to hear what I had to say, when I started my potting, my very un-neat and tidy, almost amateurish pottery (which I recognised as a mature person that that is what people liked about, as it was full of spontaneity and spirit), I suddenly found that people wanted to hear what I had to say about other things too, and many of those that had suppressed me, or I had worried about, were happy to listen, or at least tolerate me. They seemed to be happy for me to be in this new role, rather than the archaeologist that I spent years hitting my head against a middle class wall over. And generally others that had given me a hard time no longer did, mainly because they were no longer important to me, and they knew they no longer had any power over me (not that I still don't have some problems with some people in a similar way). In fact it must be a bit like when a gay person comes out of the closet and finds that they are accepted by those that really matter just as they really are.

And at the same time as becoming the Green Man artist I also turned more from an agnostic, more scientific appreciation of the landscape, towards seeing more of the spirituality of landscape; from  identification and classification, etc. of the historic and natural landscape, to 'feeling' more of the ancestral spirits and simple beauty of 'the place'. And so discovered the pagan community that on the whole has welcomed me with open arms, and I have found my place within a community at last, where I really matter! More of that, again, at some later point.

But for now I must get me tea sorted! <3


oh! And there is the music too! How could I forget that?

Spiritual Ponderings; particularly my accepting the spirituality of my work and my affinity with Merlin and the Green Man as the Wild Man of the Woods.

Spiritual Ponderings; particularly my accepting the spirituality of my work and my affinity with Merlin and the Green Man as the Wild Man of the Woods.

Cornelian Bay, Scarborough.

I should be doing regular blogs, but never seem to get round to it, but when I do it is normally because I have been pondering on something, or somethings for some time and have finally got round to writing it down.

One of the main problems I have is avoiding long rambles (which this may turn into!), and keeping to the point, but I find that everything is so intertwined with so much else, it is difficult to keep to one aspect.

Much of my spiritual philosophy can be seen from my other blogs, but there are a few things that have been simmering in my mind and my heart for sometime now that I don't quite know how to express.

One of the main things I have been making myself face up to in recent months is that there is something special about my simple work, a kind of magic that brings spiritual comfort to so many people. I saw this happen again and again with my pottery work when I was making it, right from the start, but the sceptic agnostic in me was loathe to accept it, and in more recent years I have had so many customers tell me again and again about how special they find my jewellery work; the great spirituality of it. And that is from so so so many people from literally right around the World. Although it could be argued that most of these people have never met me (which may be an advantage?). But it is also very flattering to me that so many people who have never met me should want my work, and have only seen it as a bad photograph, but once they get a piece of my work they adore it. 

Not that everyone see the magic in it, my work isn't everyone's 'cup of tea', not everyone, in fact most people, wont be attracted to my rather primitive and some would say amateurish style. But like me, I am not into the over ornate (generally). Honesty is far more important than anything else. Be yourself, not necessarily who people want you to be. I try to plough my own furrow, but when you are relying upon selling your work to pay the bills you can find yourself steering towards what more people want. Part of me just wants to do only the very primitive, asexual work, as most of it tends to be, as it is connected to the spiritual rather than the physical World. Not that the physical isn't important, and perhaps the 'feel' of my work is more important than the 'look'? The physical is as an important part of finding balance as the spiritual, as is finding the balance of the elements, as in all things. 

Yes! I would like to do more of the primitive, although when I have I have had a lot of praise, but few have sold. And occasionally I will do jewellery that is a bit more 'girly', but only within my own limits, which some still find too masculine, but at the same time there are men who are happy to wear it (is that because it is too masculine? But then again I am a man!).

Over the last few years I have been trying to find a way of combing my metalclay work with the beach pebbles I have been collecting and polishing in a spiritual, elemental, and I must admit commercial sense. I have been enjoying collecting them while out in the elements on the beach, and get quite meditative, relishing in the solitude of many of the beaches I collect them from. And luckily, most beaches can be more or less empty most of the time. And in fact, I hate it when strangers want to communicate with me while I am collecting (I have similar problems when I play my Medieval bagpipes outside. I don't mind having friends with me, that have come with me, but hate strangers being around). But I let the beauty of the individual pebble guide me as to which ones to collect, and there are so so many beautiful, far from perfect, pebbles in the World (just like people). Some just sing out to you. Some say "Hello! Look at me!" But there is also the more commercial side that I have had to bring into it; there are far too many pebbles that I have collected that will never get polished, let alone made into any of the multitude of jewellery items I see at the moment of collecting them. So I don't even bother picking up many pebbles now, and most of those I do get discarded as I know I wont be able to economically do anything with them even if I do do anything. But the good intent is there.

At the end of the day I want to incorporate my life into my work. My own personal history, as well as that of my ancestors, and of the land I live in. I want to combine my experiences from my past, as an horticulturalist, plants man, landscape designer, and my work as an archaeologist, and landscape historian. This is why I refer to myself as a natural historian, a combination of the two main aspects of my life, nature and history, that have been with me throughout my life. And, over the last 15 years I have been lucky enough to find ways to express my interests, and myself, by combining these influences into artistic mediums that have allowed me to do so (although I have also been afraid to explore other mediums, which I should do!). It has also led me to being able to explore the spiritual and aesthetic much more than with the more the technical and physical.

https://www.etsy.com/uk/shop/GreenManJewellery

Merlin in the Nuremberg Chronicle (1493)

However! This is just one of the major themes that has been playing on my mind of late. Various conversations and messages from people have got me looking in depth at my personal spirituality, and I can only touch the surface of this, as it is so so so deep and complex, but at the same time so simple.

Now the nagging agnostic in me still struggles to accept the spiritual 'happenings' that I have had over the last few years. Most of the time I can just say to myself that this is pure co-incidence, or serendipity, but sometimes some things happen in ways too often, even as rarities! (If that makes sense! LOL!). And even today I still don't really believe in gods in the sense of a divine person sitting on his cloud, or in her cave, or whatever, deciding the fate of men and women, and getting annoyed at people not believing in them, or worshipping them in the wrong way according to some heavily edited book or whatever. If they were that upset with anyone for 'blasphemy' they could do something about it themselves. They don't need religious fanatics to go to war with other people, for not opening their boiled eggs from the same end as them (a 'Gulliver's Travels' reference for those who don't know).  But the agnostic in me can accept many divinities as conceptual constructs to help primitive people understand the World around them. Also that there is a life spirit (the 'Force'?), that is within all living things. In fact in each and every cell! Every cell of every living being is desperately trying to survive as long as possible. To keep their individual spark of life going. But as a consequence the only way that those sparks can keep alive is by the death of others; either directly, or via the remains of former life. There are few living organisms that don't need the death of others in order to survive (perhaps some of the bacteria living around undersea thermal vents?). Of course, how you get sustenance from other living beings is a question of human ethics!

But what has confused be to a great extent, and what I have had to just accept as "Well it is", is my finally becoming aware of and my great affinity to 'my' version of the Green Man. I say finally, because I can look back through my life and see he was already there, only I just couldn't see him. I can easily accept him as concepts of the male spirit, resurrection, the Wild Man of the Woods, the oak tree, and the hermit in the woods, and perhaps many many other things. But like, I think, all divinities, male and female, they are either all the same, or part of all of the same thing. The ALL. The Universe? It is just that we all have different ways of accessing the divine. Each of us is different and should be able to explore and experiment how we access it. Each to their own, as long as you have good intent.

It may be that you find many others on a similar spiritual 'path', and, of course, one of the biggest factors effecting your mind set and approach to this will be down to the societies you were brought up in and/or live in. So not surprisingly I have been heavily influenced, for good or ill, by Judaeo-Christianity, but through my historical research I am familiar with Classical, Middle Eastern, Celtic and Germanic pantheons too, and to a lesser extent other World religions. In no way am I a Christian, but I am very aware that for the last 1,500 years most of my ancestors have been, and that is something that should not be ignored (I must do a blog about my 3rd Great Uncle John Cousins at some stage, he wrote a lovely piece about his spirituality in a Christian context nearly 100 years ago. (Ha! That will keep you all keen! LOL!)).

Anyway! After I became the Green Man Potter, it still took me a couple of years to recognise that he was actually there, 'with' me. (And my finally finding I was a pagan is covered in my other blog on the subject). But fairly early on after this, during my early years on social media, I became friends with someone who opened up another related affinity to me. She lent me a book that had been a big influence on her back in the 80s that was about Merlin and many of the pagan aspects seen within Geoffrey of Monmouth's 'Life of Merlin'. I can't remember the book or the author right now. I am sure someone will tell me off!

Merlin reads his prophecies to King Vortigern in Geoffrey of Monmouth's Prophetiae Merlini (c. 1250-1270)

I had read Geoffrey's 'History of the Kings of Britain' back in the 80s as part of my keen interest in anything Arthurian at the time (after all most of my ancestors come from a few miles from Tintagel!). But at the time I had realised that most of the 'History' was fantasy, and/or was pinched from other works, although there were some bits of folklore that were original to this book. And at the time I found the chapter on Merlin's prophecies rather dull and was mainly about flattering his Norman audience. So when my friend introduced me to her 'special' book about another book ('the Life of Merlin'), I was a bit sceptical, and not expecting much from it. Also, I had read most of my Arthurian fact and fiction before I had done my degree in archaeology, so now I realised I would have to read the 'Life of Merlin' alongside this book about the paganism in it (written by a Neo-Pagan, of course). So I downloaded a copy of the main classic translation, which came with copious notes about where Geoffrey had lifted this bit and that bit from, allowing me to read it critically, but I also did so with an open mind (I hope).   And I found a great affinity with the Merlin presented in this book that was different from the one in the 'History'. This was a different Merlin, one I could believe in as some one that may have existed, and one close to 'my' Green Man. Very much the spiritual hermit/Wild Man of the woods, but also someone with passions, and not necessarily a good man, which made him much more real although magical at the same time. And I don't mean modern fantasy film magical. Much more someone with a great affinity to Nature and the plants and animals of the wild woods. Mind you there was an interesting incident I specifically remember where he had disappeared into the woods for years, and eventually his abandoned common law wife decided he must be dead, and accepted the love of another man. Under the system they lived in she could re-marry with his permission, which he granted on his return, while riding a stag, with a host of animals following him, but at the granting of her freedom to marry the other man, he ripped an antler off the stag, threw it at the other man and killed him! More-or-lees "Yes you are welcome to marry this dead man!". Not very nice! LOL!

I wont say any more really on this right now, as it was at least 9 years since I did this reading exercise, and I forget the details.

But I have had other affinities to a slightly different Merlin, probably through reading the old legends, as well as the films, and various novels. Co-incidentally, the reason why Merlin is so high in my mind at the moment, is that I am half-way through re-reading the four books of Mary Stuarts Merlin trilogy (4 books? well there was a sequel on Modred); and it has reminded me of how much I had 'liked' her version of Merlin; a very believable Merlin in an historical early post-Roman Britain, which I now, after doing an archaeology degree, can still believe in, while still being aware that they are novels.

Nimue reads from a book of spells while holding the infatuated Merlin trapped in The Beguiling of Merlin by Edward Burne-Jones (1874)

But there are so many aspects of the romance of Merlin that I have a great affinity with. I have had a love of Pre-Raphaelite romance ever since my teens, due to a BBC series at the time in the 70s (and a visits to Kelmscott and Morris's wallpaper factory in Merton at about the same time), and a lust for beautiful women with lots of thick flowing hair (Oh where is my Lizzie Siddle or Jane Morris?). I have been so unlucky in love throughout my life (or is it because of my unreal romantic expectations?). I have never been married, and it seems less and less likely that I will ever be, and even less likely that I will have children. But then again, at my age, facing the rapid approach of 60 next year, after a lifetime of mostly being on my own, do I really want someone with me all the time, and the hassle of children? And is it because of this that my work has become the children I shall never have? Is that where the spirit in my work comes from? All the normal life I never had? All the love that I would have given to a wife and children?

And over the last 10 years, since becoming so much a part of the pagan scene, I have been waiting for my Nimue, my young student, who I will probably quite happily let beguile me.

SATIS!